Forgiven
by I Prey On Blonde Boys
Summary: Loki's punishment is the worst of all the hells: isolation. Isolated from his home, from his family, from the worlds, from his own voice, Loki waits for the day when he's forgiven.


forgiven

songs used: someone like you by adele, jar of hearts by christina perri, goodbye my lover by james blunt, i don't wanna fight no more by westlife, the lonely by christina perri

I don't own any of those songs, nor do I own the characters that are owned by someone else. I own Terra because she's perfect and I gave birth to her perfection of a sidekick.

_'I don't want to fight anymore'_

_'I don't remember why I started this'_

_'I wish I'd never left Asgard, never found out I was Jotun, and never lied to you about the All-Father' _

All these things I want to say to Thor, all these things I want to admit that were before smothered by my pride, by my wrath are now muzzled. Thor's grown tired of me, grow tired of attempting to persuade me and has resorted to physically stopping me, to muzzling me. I suppose I called it upon myself, me and my 'silver tongue' as the Warrior Three would call it.

I'd been so hurt, so betrayed, so revolted in myself for being Jotun, for there being this cold, icy part of me that Thor had been raised to hate. Deep down, underneath the rage and the betrayal I was terrified. There was a child in me, a little blue child with scarlet eyes who called out for Thor who would not acknowledge me anymore.

In my worst nightmares Thor disowned me, hated me for being alive, ordered the Asgardians to hunt me, to kill me. I woke up screaming from each nightmare but the screams would not release. They stayed inside my muzzle, they stayed inside me and brewed in me until I couldn't barely hear anything but them echoing around in my mind tormenting me.

Even now, nearly three months after being brought back to Asgard, I am still muzzled, still locked away in my chambers. Thor has visited me exactly twice, and both times would not meet my eyes. He informs me of my punishment, which is rather vague and includes the non-removal of my muzzle and confinement to my rooms for the perceivable future. I imagine that the All-Father had been persuaded by Frigga to loosen the punishment, who visits me every day with food, with meaningless chit-chat and with the hug of a mother who wishes things had gone differently.

The second time that Thor visits me, I'm bathing when he comes in. My hand-maiden, who is forbidden to speak to me, tries to tell him that I'm indecent but he barges in anyway startling me. The water of my bath conceals nothing and I know that he's probably revolted since I've taken to bathing in my natural form. I've taken to being in my Jotun form more often than ever mostly because it makes me depressed. It's comforting to be sad, if I was ever truly happy I'd probably end up exploding out of surprise.

"Jotun," He mutters under his breath, probably thinking I won't hear him but ever since my life has become much, much quieter my hearing has become intense. I can hear butterfly wings flap, I can hear my heart beating normally, I can hear every mutter of my servant, of Thor. I change back to Aesir form faster than I'm proud of, staring down at my hands and cursing the muzzle on my mouth. So much to say, so little breathe to say it with.

"Mother said you were ill, but you look fine to me. SERVANT." He bellows for my servant like she is an animal. She scurries into the room like a frightened one. "Is he ill, or does my mother lie?" The servant looks terrified at the prospect of answering such a double-edged sword of a question. If she says I'm ill, Thor will have to do something about it, and if I'm not ill and she says Frigga lied then she will have betrayed the Queen of Asgard's trust. I can do nothing to help her, I can do nothing but sit and watch.

"Answer me, servant." Thor's voice is dangerous, so unlike the light-hearted sound that it used to be before...I shudder in my bath water, wary of Thor as any sane person _animal_ should be.

"I know of no such illness, my Prince, he shows no signs of illness as far my low-dim eyes can see, maybe the Queen is more insightful than a lowly servant as I." She says her words as fast as possible, bows her head, curtsies and dashes out of the room...like a scared, cornered mouse. Thor turns his back to me, moves forward like he's going to leave and stops.

I think for a moment that maybe he's going to say something, anything at all to defuse the tension and pain that's settling into my heart. But he marches forward without a word, around my maid who is carrying my clothes and towel in her arms and slams my chamber door so hard the whole room shudders. I bow my head and cry without shame, for out of all the people who hover on the outskirts of my life, I know that my servant will dry me, clothe me, and lead me to bed without question.

"Loki, darling, you should have seen Sif on her wed day. For a warrior-woman, she looks spectacular in the wedding robes. I did tell you she was marrying Fandral didn't I? I'm so glad she settled down, and thankfully for us not with Thor. Can you imagine him as a husband, HA! He would ask her to spar with him on their honeymoon!" Frigga (_mother's_) visits lighten the monotony of my life. She visits nearly every day and if not every day, then she comes the next with a ready explanation.

She does all the talking, obviously, and never runs out of things to say. I think she spent an entire hour describing the weather to me, and what she'd had for breakfast. As annoying as I would have found this useless chitchat before my imprisonment, I find it gratifying now and savor each word that comes out of her mouth. For those few hours, I don't wish I can speak. I almost forget the muzzle is on. I don't _need _to speak, she does that for me.

"Lady Frigga, it is mid-day. Would you like to eat lunch here or dine in the grand hall with your husband and son?" My servant blushes when she says son, as if she realizes that I am also her son. I'm not offended. Several months ago I would have been.

"I'll eat here, with my son." Frigga's eyes are warm, motherly and I nearly start crying again. But I hold back, because even if I'm muzzled like a dog, even if I've lost my title and was never truly a blood heir, I am Loki the Asgardian prince and I will not cry. Not when my mother, the queen is here to see me. Not when she believes in me so much and I can disprove her of that belief. If I cry when she is not here, then I'll always have her belief that I am not a complete loss.

As long as someone believes it, then maybe I'm not completely lost yet.

"Yes, my Queen." My servant runs off, leaving a trail of anxiety behind her and I almost feel disdain for her before that feeling ebbs away and I remember that without her I'd be alone half of the time.

"I asked the All-Father how much longer you have to have the muzzle on but he wouldn't give me an answer. I'm going to try to get one out of Thor next, I'm sure he'll cave much easier than your father will. Though, both of them are as stubborn as mules. I swear, it would be easier getting answers out of ... Well it would be easier getting answers out of anyone." She finishes awkwardly, clearing her throat. I know what she was going to say. It would be easier getting answers out of Frost Giants, who are infamously stubborn. Probably why it took me being Hulk Smashed to stop me from destroying Midgard.

"Anyway, Sif's dress..." I watch her lips move, letting the sound of her voice wash over me. My servant brings her lunch and I watch her eat. I can't eat anymore, my muzzle prevents that, and the food has to be given to me through a straw through a hole in the muzzle's paneling. I don't chew, I can barely swallow. It barely even counts as eating and generally I try to avoid it, only eating when I need to, to avoid starving to death.

"Well, darling, I've got to be going. Your father wishes for us to spend the evening together, or I would stay longer. You spend too much time alone." She admonishes me, like my time alone is some kind of choice, or introversion. For the first time in my entire life, I would say that maybe I would like to sit in on Thor's sparring sessions, or be around the Warrior Three, or go to a feast. It's only when you're truly alone do you wish that you had appreciated all those people you ignored before.

I hug her goodbye and kiss her cheek. When the door closes behind her, it's just me alone in my room. Tears run down my cheeks and I don't even realize for a few minutes. I lay down on my bed and curl into myself. I imagine that Thor is here, his strong arms wrapped around me, anchoring me. But my imagination is weaker than my depression and I feel the cold air around me, not the warmth of a body.

"Sir, are you okay?" My servant asks, hovering behind me. Her questions releases the floodgates and I cave in on myself, sobs wracking my entire body and chest. I try, in vain, to tear off the muzzle and she's forced to climb on top of me and restrain me from bloodying my fingers. My sobs don't stop, but she manages to restrain me long enough for me to give up and fall into her open arms. I don't know if she lets me cry into her bosom because she cares or because she's afraid I'll die in her charge, but either way I sob into her chest and let her wrap her arms around me and whisper soothing things. She runs her fingers through my hair in a way that Thor used to do when I'd get upset as a young child. It makes the tears come faster. It feels like there is a black hole opening in my soul and every time I think I'm empty, that maybe it's taken everything it can, it pulls more from me that I didn't even know I had.

"It's okay, sir. You'll be okay, sir." She strokes my hair for what seems like hours, and I'm so in love with her presence that I can't fathom the idea of letting her go. But eventually my eyes slump, my tears slow and I fall into a dreamless sleep. I imagine that she goes, showers, and washes the dirtiness of me off her fingers.

I'm losing my mind.

I must be. It's the only explanation for why my skin is blue and won't turn back.

I'm panicking, my heart is beating out of my chest and I can't breathe. Why won't it change back!? "TERRA! TERRA!" I scream for my servant, trying to curl into myself. I close my eyes tight and reopen them. I'm still blue. I close them. I reopen. Still blue. I repeat the process what seems like a million times until I realize that she can't hear my screams. The damned muzzle is blocking my calls for my servant.

I scramble off the bed, knocking over my side table in my haste and rushing to the bathroom. Mirror's don't lie, and my skin is a brilliant sapphire with the intricate veins of a Jotun. It's not shocking, but it won't disappear. I close my eyes, open them, and I'm the same. It feels like one of my worst nightmares has come true and I pinch myself, I slap myself, I beat my arm against the counter. It all hurts and I know this isn't a dream, I'm wide awake.

I slam my fist into the mirror, hear Terra's worried shout from her room and slam my fist again into the mirror. My fists are scarlet by the time she skids into the bathroom and I'm curled up on the counter sobbing into the blood.

_Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. _

_Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me._

_please_

_fix me_

She wraps up my hands with ace bandages, being careful to only touch my skin when necessary. I avoid looking into the mirror anymore and continue my mantra.

_Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me._

"Terra? Servant?" My stomach falls out my feet and I stare horrified into Terra's eyes as Thor's footsteps get closer. He can't see me like this. He can't be around me when I can't change back. I plead with her to get rid of him, hoping she sees the terror in my eyes and gets the message. She shakes her head, tightens the wraps on my hands and cups my cheek.

"Acceptance." She whispers, kisses my cheek so quick it's fleeting and backs away into a corner, out of Thor's way. Thor appears in the bathroom door way. He's grown after all these months, if that's even possible. He looks more like a man than before, his stature more mature than ever before. Shock passes over his face when he sees the mirror, and horrified disgust replaces it when he sees me.

"Why is he like that, servant?" Thor asks, glancing over to Terra instead of looking at me. Terra shakes her head fast, like a wet hound drying off.

"I don't know, my Prince, I found him like this. I don't believe he can change back."

"_Make him change back._" Thor growls, holding up Mjolnir threateningly at Terra. Something inside me sparks and I get up from the counter without thinking about it. I'm in front of Terra before I can even register moving across the room.

"Change back, Loki, NOW." I stare him down, holding an arm out in front of Terra. I can only imagine how I appear to him. Jotun form, tears streaked down my blue face, blood all over like I'd just attacked someone (_myself_). I gesture to the muzzle, trying to get across the fact that I can't. The spell holding me in Aesir form has worn off, and without my voice I can't change back.

"CHANGE BACK!" Thor roars, Mjolnir slamming into my chest and sending me and Terra flying across the room. "Gods, Loki change back, please. I can't stand to see you like this. Please." When all I do is look at him weakly, Thor runs his hands through his hair in frustration and leaves with Mjolnir. Terra and I sit on the bathroom floor for hours, staring at the mess and waiting for the moment when both of us might be free.

I've been locked in my room for 2 years now. Thor stopped coming the day I couldn't change back into my Aesir form. Frigga still comes at least thrice a week though she seems like she might be running out of things to say soon. Terra still is my right hand man, and recently we've gotten a lot closer. I brush her hair for her, she tells me stories of her life before she got locked up in here with me. Her father was a warrior who died a year after her birth. She was raised by her mother, who was a prostitute. When her mother was arrested and executed for prostitution, she became a servant of the Asgardian nobility.

_"I can't sleep, everything I ever knew is a lie without you," _Terra sings to me, her voice low and peaceful.

_"When my heart is broken in two...there's no beat with you, you're not gone but you're not here...If we could try to end these wars, I know that we can make it right.." _I drift in and out, catching only brief phrases of her song. In my mind's eye Thor appears. Aura of gold, a smile that speaks of brotherhood...his face is slowly fading away in my memory. It's not as strong as it was many years ago, now I have to struggle to see him. Out of all the dismal things in my life, losing sight of Thor's face will always be the worst.

"_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my lover, you have been the one, you have been the one for me..."_ I think she switches songs, the melody changes and she stops stroking my hair. We're laying on my bed, my chest cradled in her chest like a Mother would do to her baby and I wonder if Terra's more my mother than Frigga is. _"And I still hold your hand in mine, in mine when I'm asleep...when I'm kneeling at your feet...goodbye my lover..."_

"All your songs are sad, Terra. Do you not know of any happy ones?" Maybe she doesn't, because it seems like her voice is made for the melodies. Her voice reflects the sorrow of the words and my heart aches along with every arch of her voice.

"I do not think you will appreciate happy songs, sir. Happy songs are for happy people, who see the sunshine and live life with a smile. They do not contrast with those songs. Sorrow matches sorrow, sir, and you have a soul built off sorrow. _I heard that your dreams came true, guess she gave you things I couldn't give to you, old friend why you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back, or hide from the light, I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited..."_ She launches into another song and I lay back to appreciate her words.

Am I built off sorrow? I don't feel sad, I feel empty. I feel like I was a room, and someone moved all the furniture and knick-knack's out without my consent, or without my notice. I feel like someone took everything from me (_or I gave it to them_) while my back was turned, and when I turned around I found it was all gone.

"_Never mind I'll find someone like you! I wish nothing but the best for you... don't forget me... I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead...regrets and mistakes those memories made...how bitter this would taste..." _I feel a tear drop onto my head, a few more following it, and I wonder if maybe Terra isn't quite as patient and happy as I'd assumed she was. When her songs stopped and were replaced by quiet sobbing, I closed my eyes and let her sorrow wrap around me.

It's far easier to be melancholy when there's someone to share it with.

"Loki, sir, the Prince is here to see you." I almost fall off my seat. Thor? Thor has come here, after 3 years of his absence, he's finally come? My heart skips a few beats before hammering out of my chest. I nod to Terra, and she frowns. "I can tell him to leave, sir. You may be a prisoner but you have rights, if you do not wish to see him, I'll make that known." I shake my head. Thor has to come in, I have to see him.

I have to remember what he looks like, what his voice sounds like, before he fully fades away.

One of Terra's songs slides into my mind.

_Can the lonely take the place of you?_

_I'm the ghost of a boy that I want to be most, I'm the shell of a boy that I used to know well. _

_Broken pieces of a barely breathing story, where there once was love, now there's only me and the lonely..._

"I'll be in my room, give you two some privacy, my Prince," She addresses Thor, I can hear her voice just outside the door but I can't see Thor yet. I'm tempted to get up, walk over there and throw open the doors. But my form stops me, the fact that I'm Jotun still glues me to my seat and I can't move.

I'd almost forgotten that I was stuck like this, Terra never seemed to notice. Frigga always seemed a bit unnerved by it. I think it might have been one of the reasons why she slowly stopped coming around.

"Loki, you know how to call me if you need me." Her words are like background music to me, I barely even register her saying them. _Thor._ Sapphire blue eyes, that shine with a wisdom that wasn't there the last time our eyes meet. When he sees me, they don't contain revulsion, or anger, but remorse. Golden hair, muscled body that isn't any more worn out than last time. He looks the same, he's a God, but his aura is all different. Last time, he was angry, it was written all over him.

Now he seems tired, kind of like me. Like Terra. Like Frigga. We're gods, we're far too eternal to be this sad so early.

"Loki." Thor says, his voice sounding uncomfortable but like heaven to my ears. I hadn't heard his voice in so long.

_Thor. _I got up, scrounging for paper and a pen as Thor cleared his throat awkwardly in the background. _**Why haven't you visited in so long?**_ I write, holding it up so he can see it. It makes him even more uncomfortable so I crumple it up swiftly after he reads it.

"I got married." My heart shatters in a way I didn't think it could, the slivers of it stabbing me in the lungs and immobilizing me. "I told Mother not to tell you, I didn't think you'd want to know."

_**OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO KNOW. **_I write in all capital letters to get my point across. He just stared at his feet, looking guilty and childish. **Do you love her? **I write, all the many scenarios I'd played in my head over the years coming back to me. If he loved her though...those scenarios would always, always be figments of my imagination. And all the memories would be things of the past, never to be repeated or spoke about.

"No. It was convenient, she was there and I was there and the All-Father wanted me to be married. Her name is Jane, her father's a council member. She's pretty, and sweet. She'll make a lovely queen...and wife." We try to avoid eye contact so hard that of course we meet eyes. I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak he will see in mine. I don't feel it, I don't feel anything.

Maybe this would be a good time to die.

I could ask Terra to do, she might. She'd be free, it would be what I wanted. She could smother me and tell the Asgardians that I died in my sleep. I could go onto a better place, a place where my voice isn't silenced, where I'm not tormented by the past. A place where Thor isn't married to someone other than me.

_**She sounds great.**_ It's much easier to write lies than it is to speak them.

I collapse onto my bed; Thor moves to occupy my old seat.

"She's...not you." Thor seems to break, like he's been wound up so tight since his entrance into my chambers and now it's all just falling apart. My heart stutters in shock. "She's pretty, but she's not beautiful. She's smart, but not clever or ingenious like you. She knows what I like to eat, but she doesn't know every crevice of my personality like you did." _did did did did did did like you did._

_**I miss you, Thor. I want things to go back to how they were before.**_ I write it and show it to him before I can take it back and his face crumbles.

"I do too, Loki, I do..." Suddenly Thor's on the bed next to me, holding my hand and his skin is warm and golden like Asgard. He's leaning into me and never leaving my eyes. I forget that I'm in my Jotun form, that I'm muzzled, that it has been many, many years since our last touch. I forget that he's married, that she's pretty and sweet and will carry his children one day, I forget that he'll leave after this and probably never come back. I forget that this entire conversation sounds suspiciously like a condolence, goodbye letter. A final explanation before the conclusion of the story.

"I can take the muzzle off, Loki."

**Please Please Please Please**

**I need you**

**I want you**

_I love you_

His fingers wrap around the edges of the muzzle and I want to cry when they brush my cheek. The muzzle is made with similar metal to Mjolnir, and I suppose maybe that's why Thor can take it off of me. Regardless, the idea of being rid of my muzzle after so long is nearly orgasmic. Thor hesitates, then pulls and it feels like I'm being ripped in half. The muzzle has attached itself, has grown into my lips and tears pour down my face as Thor rips them apart.

Muzzle, no muzzle, it doesn't matter. The look in Thor's eyes as he pulls it off of me says all I need to hear.

I'm forgiven.

* * *

Author's note:

Meh, I don't really like this one that much. It came off a bit weird for me but the plot-bunny just wouldn't leave me alone and I tried rewriting but ...meh. Tell me if you like it or what you think might have made it better. This fandom is one of the best I've ever written for honestly, and I trust ya'lls opinion.

Also, if you guys would like to follow me on tumblr my url is: getmeoutofmymind14 . tumblr . com

I usually post a lot of Avengers, music, fanart for a lot of fandoms. Also, it's the best way to reach me, like if you want to suggest a fic or a prompt I'll get it much faster there. :) You can if ya'll want, or not.

Hope you all enjoyed.


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